Things I thought were cool as a kid but actually kind of suck

My mom and me, circa 1994.

1. Casinos.

Hollywood made my dumb 10-year-old brain believe casinos were magical places where fiscal dreams came true. But have you been in a casino lately? Or ever? They’re smokey, the carpets are covered with mysterious stains (it’s vomit), and the only people in there are old gambling addicts.

2. Wine.

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely drink wine from time to time now that I’m in my mid-20s. But if you put two different glasses of wine in front of me, one from a $5 bottle and one from a $80 bottle, I would not know the difference. And I think that’s just silly.

3. Wine coolers.

Just kidding, these always sucked.

4. Getting your nails done.

I always thought it was so sophisticated when my friends’ moms got their nails done at the salon, but now I realize they were just spending $60 on plastic claws that made it harder for them to carry out basic tasks like make phone calls and put on seat belts. What’s the point?

5. R-rated movies.

I snuck into at least five R-rated movies as a kid just for kicks. Now that I’m old(er), I honestly don’t really want to watch a movie laden with extreme violence and pee-my-pants-inducing jump scares.

6. Blue eye shadow.

My mom somehow was able to rock blue eye shadow up to her brows when she was my age, and as a kid, I always thought I would follow suit. Turns out it looks terrible. (But it looked good on you, mom!)

7. Brand logos prominently placed on clothing.

Why would you want some huge company to have free advertising space on your body? Maybe I just don’t get it, but I think it’s kind of silly. (It’s genius marketing though.)

8. Listening to music (too) loudly.

When I was a teen, I would play music through my portable CD player’s chunky headphones (and later on, through my iPod earphones) as loud as possible (which honestly wasn’t that loud). And then I started driving and I would play the radio and my burned CDs as loud as the stereo would go. But now I have profound respect for my eardrums (and my neighbors in my apartment building, I guess).

9. Smoking.

I used to think I was going to grow up to be a beatnik-esque poet with a beret, a pair of black sunglasses, and a pack of cigarettes in my shirt pocket. But then I got my first utility bill and cigarettes were suddenly too expensive (and, duh, super unhealthy).

10. Hipster baby names.

I used to love the names Jakoby and Francheska when I was in middle school. Now I realize those names are very dumb. Please leave the unique, hipster names for your dogs. Or give your dogs people names (like Steven or Edgar, perhaps) because that’s even more fun.

11. Going to the mall.

Mall culture was deeply ingrained in my brain as a teen, and I was always so bummed I didn’t live near one. Now that I live close to a pretty large mall, I never go. And when I do, it’s always super boring and way too crowded, and I’m too poor to buy anything anyway.

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